Living with Joy and Sorrow: Grief After Losing a Child

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds,' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone." - Rose Kennedy

My beloved daughter, Danielle died by suicide on April 3rd, 2000 at 13 years old. This year will mark the 26th anniversary of her passing.

My ex-husband and I adopted three Ecuadorian children, all orphans who were not related biologically, 42 years ago.

You may be wondering how two somewhat crazy people from Glasgow, Scotland ended up in Quito, Ecuador. That is a story for another day.

I have been asked to write about grief and so I am focusing on the lessons I have learned throughout the years following Danielle's death in the hope that both clients and colleagues may find some words of comfort in dealing with grief and loss.

I know for certain that I will never "get over" the loss of Danielle. That is a given fact, but I have learned over the years that happiness is still possible and that life does expand to allow wonderful new experiences and people to enter.

I believe that it is possible to live with both joy and sorrow simultaneously and have come to realize that life is always changing and that there will always be both challenging, happy times and many wonderful surprises ahead.

I think ultimately what saved me and enabled me to keep moving on was that I attended therapy with a wonderful therapist, Mary for almost five years.

Just before I graduated from therapy, I thanked her for saving my life and she responded, "I didn't do anything more than sit and listen to you."

It was being able to talk in a safe space, have my therapist listen without judgement and just be there for me that played a vital part in my survival.

The other significant factor in being able to move on in life was a friend and fellow therapist who called me one day and told me that they were looking for therapists at Family Services of the Desert in Indio. She told me in no uncertain terms that she thought I should take the job. For once in my life I listened and so began a whole new chapter. I completed my internship at Family Services, had amazing supervisors, challenging clients and learned a lot. I found that if I was focused on being of service to others, I had no time to worry about myself and that was an invaluable lesson. It gave me a reason to go on.

My next lesson may sound a little crazy, but I found that as time went on, my loss provided me with many gifts, even blessings. It deepened my appreciation for life and I think provided me with greater empathy, awareness and the ability to connect and sit with the emotional pain of my clients.

I believe that although Danielle is gone, she is still with me and guides the people I am to help into my life. I think that my continuing pain is testimony to how much I loved her. We did not look alike, but we were kindred spirits and I know that she is still with me always.

My two older children were almost 17 years old when Danielle died. Both my ex-husband, my children and I have gone through very dark times, but thankfully we all survived and have indeed thrived.

My daughter is getting married in May, my son and daughter-in-law are both teachers and have been married for almost 11 years and I have two beautiful granddaughters whom I love dearly.

I have noticed that whenever I say goodbye to my children, they always, always say "I love you, Mom," to me and I always say it back to them.

I never taught them to say this.

The lesson we have all learned and have never forgotten is to tell your loved ones how much you love them. Say it often, say it every day, but say it. Life can change in a moment. All we have is the present moment and tomorrow is never guaranteed, so tell your loved ones how much you love them every single day.

Say it often, say it every day, but say it. Life can change in a moment.

A wise pastor once told me that it is not up to us to decide how much time someone has on this earth. I realized that despite my hopes and aspirations for Danielle who was loved by so many, I had no control over her life or future.

When my elder two children were 21 years old, we took them on a pilgrimage of sorts back to Ecuador to see where they came from. I visited Danielle's orphanage in Riobamba, not too far from Quito and realized that had we not adopted her, she probably would not have even made it to 13 years old.

I felt that God had given me a special assignment and that I was blessed to have been entrusted with this special child.

Would I have made different choices had I known the outcome?

My answer is unequivocally that I would not have changed one thing. My three children are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel truly blessed.

I thank-you for reading my thoughts and wish you only good health, success and much happiness as life continues on for us all.

I will leave you with two final quotations that I believe say it all.

"The wound is the place where the light enters you." - Rumi

 "Someone I once loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this, too, was a gift." - Mary Oliver

About Linda

Linda is a therapist at Desert Insight who brings both professional experience and deep personal understanding to her work with grief and loss. Her journey has shaped the way she supports others, offering a space where people can feel heard, understood, and not alone in their pain.

Her approach is rooted in compassion, connection, and the belief that even in the hardest moments, healing and meaning are possible.

Learn more about her: https://desertinsight.com/lindahyman